Good grief.

"I will do anything you ask the Father in my name, so that the Father will be given glory because of the Son."

I love to listen to people pray, and then slap a little "...in Jesus' name, Amen" on the end of whatever they asked for. I love it because it's clearly what Jesus was talking about. His comments recorded in John could probably be paraphrased like this: "Make sure that you get the appropriate tag-line on your prayers; the closing sentence is like a secret code to unlock all of the wealth of the nations to flow into your checking account. I have a secret handshake too. I'll tell you about that one later."

I believe completely that Jesus meant exactly what he said when he said, "anything." I think he meant that he would give me a car, or make me able to fly, or magically fill my freezer with chocolate ice cream. I believe that because during his ministry, Jesus was in the habit of doing crazy stuff just like that. So why aren't Christians all around the world just majicking up fabulous new lives for themselves? Didn't Jesus say that was cool?

The secret key to the ability to fly and riches untold is this: only ask for things the same way that Jesus did. Last I checked, Jesus always had other people's welfare in mind when he did something nutty. And, he never got any credit for what he did. He always split the scene if it looked like people were going to praise him. God the Father always was the object of Jesus' activity; the Father's glory and other peoples' needs were what moved him.

So drop the "in Jesus' name" off your praying. It ain't doing anything, anyhow. Try implementing Jesus' attitude and lifestyle; then ask for crazy stuff.

Help, I can't see!

Justice is invisible. Mercy is invisible. Neither can we see selflessness, kindness, or honesty. I think it's interesting that when the prophet Isaiah talks about the Messiah, he says: "He will not judge by what his eyes see or decide by what his ears hear."



The only way I can make that jive, is to think that this Messiah must operate on a framework of invisible qualities, not on the visible soap-opera drama that surrounds humanity.



What if every candidate in our election focused on advancing an agenda of selflessness, justice, and honesty? For that matter, what if every voter tried implementing selflessness in their day-to-day activities?



Most people will, as long as they can see a postive result in the offing. I think what we need to right our culture is a population willing to engage in the invisible with their eyes closed.

How To Fix Iraq

The problem in Iraq is not one of ability. We can catch or kill more of theirs than they can of ours. We have more soldiers under arms and our arms are qualitatively better.

The problem is one of leadership.

The leadership in the U.S. has not clearly articulated the goals. Without clear goals, everything feels like a quagmire. The American people can't get behind the thing when it feels like we're just flailing around killing bad guys.

We can win. Just tell us what we're trying to win.

How to Read French:

French is a language for illiterates. I say this because the letters are almost meaningless. Rather than learning that each symbol represents a sound, we find in our study of the language, that letters serve only to keep print shops in business. I think it's pride; you know, the French people would feel awkward if everyone else in the world could write things down, Frenchmen could only protest that they didn't really need to.

You can approach the reading of French armed with only a few simple rules, and do just fine. Like this one for example: All words end with one of three sounds. Long A, as in Chevrolet; Wa, as in Roy or Francois; and long O, as in "Git some, breaux!" Note that none of those letters resemble the sounds coming out of your mouth. Who needs phonetics?

I think that "reading" French could probably be boiled down to 4 or 5 rules; as I discover the rest, I'll publish them.

...and now for something completely irrational:

Why do we hear so much trash-talk from the Jesus crowd about the sanctity of the marriage relationship, and how great marriage is, and everybody should be in favor of it, and somehow their marriages disintegrate as rapidly as everyone else's?

I'm glad you asked.

The Christian community routinely condemns married women to a life of hopelessness. If you are a woman who has chosen badly, woe be unto you! The principle that carries the day is "wives obey your husbands." Now, far be it from me to suggest that wives shouldn't obey their husbands: I'm simply suggesting that this is a recipe for a jail sentence, not a happy marriage.

This is what I want: Every man who makes noise about Jesus, try to remember that the man you claim as your God was supremely self-sacrificing. Jesus went without sleep, without food, without friends, was cold, wet, homeless, and ultimately killed unjustly so that your lot could be made better. And while you're rolling that one around, try this one on: "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it." So whatever you read that Jesus did for you, you're supposed to be doing for your wife. You should be breaking your neck to improve every aspect of her life.

Ideally, we should never choose ourselves over our wives. If it comes down to a choice between my desire or hers, (and we're assuming that our wives aren't asking to sell the children to pay for a vacation) her preferences should win the day.

Maybe wives are slow to obey because husbands are petty, selfish tyrants, wielding their power at home for their own gratification without improving the lives of their family? Maybe the selfishness of "Christian" men is what destroys their marriages?

Jesus called the apostles and said, "You know that the rulers of nations have absolute power over people and their officials have absolute authority over people. But that's not the way it's going to be among you. Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant. Whoever wants to be most important among you will be your slave. It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people." (Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 20)

Stop complaining and serve your wives. Wait on them hand and foot. Work to make their lives better in every respect. Chances are better than even that the obedience thing will never come up. Who knows? She might even want to stay married.

Don't let your guard down, Scrabble's next!

"This scandal happened on your watch. (long dramatic pause) I want that to sink in. (second long dramatic pause) Do you accept responsibility?" This was what Elijah E. Cummings (D., Md.) had to ask of Bud Selig and Donald Fehr recently.

I can't believe that the government of the wealthiest, most powerful nation on the planet has time to flail around investigating baseball. At the end of the day, baseball is a game; a stupid recreational activity. The thought of elected officials squandering any of our time or money looking for cheaters should be embarrassing. In fact, it disgusts me.

I find Mr. Cummings' comments particularly offensive because of the tone of moral outrage he used to address Fehr and Selig. I wish that Bud Selig had responded by asking the representative, "The Iraq war happened on your watch. And I want that to sink in. Do you accept responsibility?"

Maybe Cummings has already fixed everything else, and that's how he has time for cleaning up our recreation?

Or maybe, he's just another useless legislator. Maybe his own impotence is always nagging at him, and his only remedy is to find a high-profile public figure to lecture in front of a television camera. ("Yeah...that'll do it. Then they'll see that I'm really an important guy. Then they'll think I'm a leader...")

Sorry, Elijah. You still aren't a leader. You still haven't fixed anything of value. Frankly, lecturing Bud Selig on C-Span is a waste of my time, a waste of my money, an embarrassment to the people who elected you, and doesn't impress anybody.

I don't want to hear any whining about being told how to do your job, either. Your job is to get out the way of most of the people, and prevent bad people with power from hurting the less powerful. So here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Find a real problem. (I can't think of any off the top of my head, but there are 300 million people in this country; surely something needs to be fixed.) Find someone smarter than you are. Ask them to help you come up with an actual solution.

2. Move on to your idiot co-workers. Tell them all to go back to work and stop looking for opportunities to get Roger Clemens' autograph.

3. Tell my friend Tom that he absolutely, under no circumstances, cannot use a dictionary when we play Scrabble. It destroys the integrity of an American pasttime, it encourages moral torpitude, and sets a bad example for the youth of our country. Cheaters must be brought to justice. My suspicion is that if Tom is doing it, who else is? I think he's just the tip of the iceberg...