...and now for something completely irrational:

Why do we hear so much trash-talk from the Jesus crowd about the sanctity of the marriage relationship, and how great marriage is, and everybody should be in favor of it, and somehow their marriages disintegrate as rapidly as everyone else's?

I'm glad you asked.

The Christian community routinely condemns married women to a life of hopelessness. If you are a woman who has chosen badly, woe be unto you! The principle that carries the day is "wives obey your husbands." Now, far be it from me to suggest that wives shouldn't obey their husbands: I'm simply suggesting that this is a recipe for a jail sentence, not a happy marriage.

This is what I want: Every man who makes noise about Jesus, try to remember that the man you claim as your God was supremely self-sacrificing. Jesus went without sleep, without food, without friends, was cold, wet, homeless, and ultimately killed unjustly so that your lot could be made better. And while you're rolling that one around, try this one on: "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it." So whatever you read that Jesus did for you, you're supposed to be doing for your wife. You should be breaking your neck to improve every aspect of her life.

Ideally, we should never choose ourselves over our wives. If it comes down to a choice between my desire or hers, (and we're assuming that our wives aren't asking to sell the children to pay for a vacation) her preferences should win the day.

Maybe wives are slow to obey because husbands are petty, selfish tyrants, wielding their power at home for their own gratification without improving the lives of their family? Maybe the selfishness of "Christian" men is what destroys their marriages?

Jesus called the apostles and said, "You know that the rulers of nations have absolute power over people and their officials have absolute authority over people. But that's not the way it's going to be among you. Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant. Whoever wants to be most important among you will be your slave. It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people." (Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 20)

Stop complaining and serve your wives. Wait on them hand and foot. Work to make their lives better in every respect. Chances are better than even that the obedience thing will never come up. Who knows? She might even want to stay married.

Don't let your guard down, Scrabble's next!

"This scandal happened on your watch. (long dramatic pause) I want that to sink in. (second long dramatic pause) Do you accept responsibility?" This was what Elijah E. Cummings (D., Md.) had to ask of Bud Selig and Donald Fehr recently.

I can't believe that the government of the wealthiest, most powerful nation on the planet has time to flail around investigating baseball. At the end of the day, baseball is a game; a stupid recreational activity. The thought of elected officials squandering any of our time or money looking for cheaters should be embarrassing. In fact, it disgusts me.

I find Mr. Cummings' comments particularly offensive because of the tone of moral outrage he used to address Fehr and Selig. I wish that Bud Selig had responded by asking the representative, "The Iraq war happened on your watch. And I want that to sink in. Do you accept responsibility?"

Maybe Cummings has already fixed everything else, and that's how he has time for cleaning up our recreation?

Or maybe, he's just another useless legislator. Maybe his own impotence is always nagging at him, and his only remedy is to find a high-profile public figure to lecture in front of a television camera. ("Yeah...that'll do it. Then they'll see that I'm really an important guy. Then they'll think I'm a leader...")

Sorry, Elijah. You still aren't a leader. You still haven't fixed anything of value. Frankly, lecturing Bud Selig on C-Span is a waste of my time, a waste of my money, an embarrassment to the people who elected you, and doesn't impress anybody.

I don't want to hear any whining about being told how to do your job, either. Your job is to get out the way of most of the people, and prevent bad people with power from hurting the less powerful. So here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Find a real problem. (I can't think of any off the top of my head, but there are 300 million people in this country; surely something needs to be fixed.) Find someone smarter than you are. Ask them to help you come up with an actual solution.

2. Move on to your idiot co-workers. Tell them all to go back to work and stop looking for opportunities to get Roger Clemens' autograph.

3. Tell my friend Tom that he absolutely, under no circumstances, cannot use a dictionary when we play Scrabble. It destroys the integrity of an American pasttime, it encourages moral torpitude, and sets a bad example for the youth of our country. Cheaters must be brought to justice. My suspicion is that if Tom is doing it, who else is? I think he's just the tip of the iceberg...