Don't let your guard down, Scrabble's next!

"This scandal happened on your watch. (long dramatic pause) I want that to sink in. (second long dramatic pause) Do you accept responsibility?" This was what Elijah E. Cummings (D., Md.) had to ask of Bud Selig and Donald Fehr recently.

I can't believe that the government of the wealthiest, most powerful nation on the planet has time to flail around investigating baseball. At the end of the day, baseball is a game; a stupid recreational activity. The thought of elected officials squandering any of our time or money looking for cheaters should be embarrassing. In fact, it disgusts me.

I find Mr. Cummings' comments particularly offensive because of the tone of moral outrage he used to address Fehr and Selig. I wish that Bud Selig had responded by asking the representative, "The Iraq war happened on your watch. And I want that to sink in. Do you accept responsibility?"

Maybe Cummings has already fixed everything else, and that's how he has time for cleaning up our recreation?

Or maybe, he's just another useless legislator. Maybe his own impotence is always nagging at him, and his only remedy is to find a high-profile public figure to lecture in front of a television camera. ("Yeah...that'll do it. Then they'll see that I'm really an important guy. Then they'll think I'm a leader...")

Sorry, Elijah. You still aren't a leader. You still haven't fixed anything of value. Frankly, lecturing Bud Selig on C-Span is a waste of my time, a waste of my money, an embarrassment to the people who elected you, and doesn't impress anybody.

I don't want to hear any whining about being told how to do your job, either. Your job is to get out the way of most of the people, and prevent bad people with power from hurting the less powerful. So here are a couple of suggestions:

1. Find a real problem. (I can't think of any off the top of my head, but there are 300 million people in this country; surely something needs to be fixed.) Find someone smarter than you are. Ask them to help you come up with an actual solution.

2. Move on to your idiot co-workers. Tell them all to go back to work and stop looking for opportunities to get Roger Clemens' autograph.

3. Tell my friend Tom that he absolutely, under no circumstances, cannot use a dictionary when we play Scrabble. It destroys the integrity of an American pasttime, it encourages moral torpitude, and sets a bad example for the youth of our country. Cheaters must be brought to justice. My suspicion is that if Tom is doing it, who else is? I think he's just the tip of the iceberg...